without

head and heart conspiring against me
perhaps I am one of those who needs to be with
to be happy

surrounded by those who love me
adore me
but still I find it's not the same
as being with

feeling arms around me to keep me together
holding me tighter than I can hold myself
a sense I've always known

maybe he was right about me
that I require this
this with
never thought of myself that way until now


it's a big, huge, massive world out there
I know that there are many to take the place
to be with
but I've never had to look


not a stand out
nothing extraordinary
just me
seems reasonable that I could get lost among the many


but I know I'm special somehow
I have my gifts
of love
of passion
of joy
things that have always been brought out by my with

how can you love when there is nothing to?
how can you be passionate about something that isn't there?
how can I can show you the joy I am capable of?

this is so sad
to be without
something I'm not used to
nor do I want to be
but who am I if I can never be without

this is so hard to admit
to put down on paper so to speak
to share with you all
letting you in to my darkest place
putting loneliness out into a shared space

----

I am ready for a change
to feel good about letting go of this with
and ultimately being without
but this is an easy thing to say
and not so easy to digest

today I will begin meditating to a new mantra
of finding happiness without
and letting go of him, my once with
producing my own joy
being passionate about life
and loving me

----

I have now almost deleted this post a few times
thinking about judging eyes
and of whose they are

hopefully this whole conversation I have with you all
is about learning and acceptance
and not evaluation

I do enough of that on my own