Why do I care so much?

It's unavoidable. It's me to the core. Who I am I suppose...

I am a people pleaser. I care about what you think about me, how you feel about being my friend, what you think I think about you, how I look, how much you want to be my friend... ugh, it's exhausting. 

So tell me - why do I care so much???

You walk all over me. I say it's okay.

You don't care about me, really, then you want something from me. I say okay. 

You like that I share, but you don't care to share back. That's fine too. 

How pathetic is that?

Hello, my name is Doormat!

After the years and years and years of playing this game, getting my feelings hurt, being let down my others time and again, you'd think I'd have become wiser, more immune. Alas, I curse you for the pain that you cause and then I fall right back in practically begging for you to do it again. Prove me right, I say. Show me why I was wrong to trust you all those times and give you that fifteenth chance to really be my friend. 

You talk to me now because you want my gossip. You want to be in the know, the person who gets to share the news with others and then have someone else to chat about. You want to have an opinion about how unfair your life is, about how it should be you, about how I am not deserving or about nothing at all. Just talking in order to hear the sound of your own voice. To discuss my life instead of yours to avoid your own gossip. And, because I am who I am, I grant you that. I say, "It's okay."

Do I get this from you Mom? You always told me stories about wanting everyone to like you and getting hurt by those that didn't. Why is it not enough that we give and give and give? I feel sometimes that I give so much to others that I don't have anything left for me.

It is possible that I have gotten slightly more callous living here in New York. I have tried to teach myself little lessons about how people are and what I want. Yes, what I want because that's important too. 

This rant has gone off course, but the message is there. I am sick of people taking advantage of me, but ultimately, I know myself well enough to know that when given the opportunity, I would step back into their friendships like a sad little puppy. 

It's time to practice saying no for a while. Now I just need to learn how that's done. 

I want to learn the game of mystery and the illusion of apathy.