I am back in NYC after my first trip "home" to LA. Strange really, this dual reality I am currently living in. Los Angeles will always have a place in my heart, for the people there are what really make the place (not that the coastline and the tan bodies are so bad to look at), but it feels different now in a really hard to explain way.
New York is my home now and there is a sense of officialness in that now. Getting on the airplane at LAX in anticipation of my arrival back to my new city felt easy, it felt like the right thing to do. And when I disembarked, I took a deep breath and realized how glad I was to be "home" again. And that's where it gets weird... it shouldn't feel so right, so fast, should it?
My heart has already found a place here with my new friends, like brothers and sisters to me these days, and a comfortableness in my surroundings that just fits. There is a quality of life here, a happiness I feel, a settled-in-my-own-skin feeling that has long been desired and finally realized. I love it.
My time in LA this weekend was quite wonderful though. So many faces that I've dreamt about for the past couple of months were back in range of touch. Kisses, hugs, conversations you just have to be present for happened, which only makes homesickness real. In fact, I got so homesick from all this infectious love that I couldn't wait to get away from it again - like I said... very strange indeed.
I spent some time with my old love, falling right back into those same heart rhythms I had tried so hard to forget. It felt so good, but ultimately felt right to leave behind. It took another night apart to get over those aching moments of loss, a second brake up in three months, to understand how much better off I have become. Making this journey alone has been so rewarding, doing things for myself I never knew I was capable of and with no crutch. Everything I have here, all my friends, were 100 percent my own doing - I am not doing anything or friends with anybody that I don't want to be - that's so freeing!
OK, so here was the LA weekend recap:
Thursday night, I arrived at 1:30am (I guess that's technically Friday, but for these purposes...) and stayed up talking to Brandon until the wee hours of the morning. We had a great night catching up, telling stories. I had a really nice time just getting a chance to look at him again, masochistically.
Friday we went down to the wedding - yikes. I had built this up so much, that it wasn't going to be emotional, but of course, I was wrong. Being in that kind of a romantic setting only exacerbates the feeling of longing when I am sitting next to the person I always wanted to be with, but can't. Had a bit of an emotional breakdown towards the end of the night, but he was nice enough to not make me feel too bad about it - even when my mascara completely stained his shirt. ;p It was really fun seeing the girls, talking about what we've been doing and dancing together.
Saturday morning, I woke up in the OC hotel room and drove myself slightly hungover to Beverly Hills to meet up with mom and dad. Got a nice little haircut and mani/pedi before heading back down to the southbay to meet up with Lauren, Kami, Adrienne, Missy, Jess and Yungmoon. We had a great night with drinks and dinner at Lauren's then out to Beaches and 12th & Highland for more drinks and lots of dancing.
Sunday, I met back up with the 'rents, said my "final part 1" good-bye to Brandon (sad), did some grocery shopping and when we finally got home to Topanga hours and hours later, mom and I cooked dinner, drank wine and hung out. Zach came over too. It was so nice to see him!
On Monday, I met up with my RPA pals (Kelly, Abe, Cathy, Kimmie, Sharon, Kristen and Mo) for lunch at Tofu-Ya. YUMMY! When we got back to RPA, I said my "final part 2" good-bye to Brandon (happy), taking the opportunity to thank him for two of the best years of my life thus far. It sounds pretty heavy when you put it that way, but I really think it's true. He showed me that even after coming out of something so terrible (with Bob) that I could trust completely and love again and that there are really good people out there. I came out of my shell, became more optimistic and less complainy, honed my skills as a cook and realized how much I have to give. I left with a great sense of accomplishment, that I had taken the very best of what I always knew I felt for him and used it for good - getting over myself and silly feelings - if it's meant to be then it will be, in the meantime I am going to invest in my own happiness and see where that takes me. That's the way it's supposed to be right now.
After that, I went back to Topanga for dinner and said fair well to the little girls, mom, dad, Aaron and Diana. See you all again soon, in September!
Love,
Jem
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